


Vibrations Of Your Voice (I Just Can't Be Alone)

by wheneveryouwantto



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: AH - Freeform, Alternative Meeting, But Blue is there for him, Coming Out to Parents, Fluff, I Love You, M/M, Oh My God, Simon gets outed, Simon's friends are angels, Spierfeld are cute, THIS IS SO LONG, Texting, This is finally out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 07:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20720132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheneveryouwantto/pseuds/wheneveryouwantto
Summary: "I’ve never been more nervous to send a text message in my life. Seriously. Two. Freaking. Letters. That is all. But these are the two most important letters I will ever send to anyone in my life. See, the thing is, I asked for Blue’s number. As a joke, of course. Blue is a really cautious person and I totally expected him to shut me down pretty much immediately. But after a lot of careful thinking, he actually sent it to me. His number, that is. I almost couldn’t believe it."-Jaques/Blue alternative meeting. Simon starts texting Blue before Christmas but soon gets outed by Martin. Blue is the best email boyfriend ever and is there to support and love Simon, no matter what.Title Song: Dancing Through The Telephone - The Axidents





	Vibrations Of Your Voice (I Just Can't Be Alone)

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my God, guys. This took me a month to write, and I feel like part of my soul is attached to every single word in this fic, and I freaking LOVED writing it. The time has come for you all to read it, and I hope you love it as much as I do.
> 
> Some parts of the fic taken directly from 'Simon VS. The Homo Sapiens Agenda' - obviously I take no credit for those bits.
> 
> I absolutely adore you all. Thank you so much.
> 
> Dedicated to my best friend, Pippa. They are an angel.

I’ve never been more nervous to send a text message in my life. Seriously. Two. Freaking. Letters. That is all. But these are the two most important letters I will ever send to anyone in my life. See, the thing is, I asked for Blue’s number. As a joke, of course. Blue is a really cautious person and I totally expected him to shut me down pretty much immediately. But after a lot of careful thinking, he actually sent it to me. His number, that is. I almost couldn’t believe it. However, there are two rules:

  1. Do not call him.
  2. Do not ask anyone else if they have that phone number saved.

It’s understandable, really, and as curious as I am to know who he is, I’m more than happy to respect his boundaries. I care about him too much. I don’t believe he would even send me his number. I really really don’t. Maybe it’s a joke! Maybe it’s the number to McDonald’s, or something. But blue would never do that to me. He means this. 

I type out my message and hit send before I’m able to change my mind.

_ Me: Hi _

Simple as that. I shut off my screen and sit at my desk, with my phone in front of me. I tap my fingers against the screen. And I turn it back on about six times to see an empty lockscreen, Abby’s face smiling sweetly at me, her hand ruffling my hair. I check Blue’s email again, just to make sure I have the right number. I do. It’s just a case of waiting. 

A message pops up on my screen and I seriously almost burst into tears, but it’s just Nick asking if I want to go to his house for a while to hang out with him and Leah. I reply yes, since it’s Christmas Eve eve, and I probably won’t see either of them until after Christmas. Also because Bieber desperately needs a walk. Maybe I’ll be able to take my mind off the fact that I’m waiting for a text from my cute online pen-pal. Mom and dad aren’t home since they’re getting Alice from the airport, so I open Nora’s door a crack and peer in. She’s sat at her laptop, looking very frustrated.

“You okay, Nora?” I ask softly. Bieber scratches at the bottom of her door and I gently push him away with my foot.

“Yeah, no, I’m fine. Don’t worry, Simon. What’s up?”

“I’m going to Nick’s. I’ll be back about eight.” 

Nora puts her thumb up so I back away and quietly close her door. 

*

Nick’s basement feels like a second home to me. It’s great. As soon as I get in there Bieber is pulling in his lead, trying to maul the shit out of Leah. He’s seriously in love with her. One day Leah will kiss him and he’s going to turn into a prince. I wouldn’t be surprised. 

I sit cross-legged on the rug, and let Bieber off his leash. He immediately pounces into Leah’s lap, and she giggles and gives him cuddles. Her and Nick are playing some video game, as usual. I’m not really a video games person but I don’t mind too much. It’s nice to just be able to be with them anyway. 

I could just tell them right now. Tell them that I’m gay. I mean, I already told Abby, and I’m about one hundred percent sure that Leah and Nick will be super chill about the whole thing. Especially Leah. She’s the one who draws yaoi and reads gay Harry Potter fanfiction. And Nick is one of those people who could not care less what societal labels you adhere to. As long as you’re a decent person, you’re great in Nick’s books. Meaning that telling my two best friends in the whole world that I’m gay should be the easiest thing ever. But it’s not.

My train of thought is interrupted by my phone buzzing in my back pocket. My heart stops, and I almost don’t want to take out my phone in case it isn’t Blue. If in case it IS Blue. Either way, it’s terrifying. Talking to him through text seems so much more intimate. So easy. Like I could reach through my phone and touch his face. Maybe even kiss his face, but I won’t let my mind go there. Not right now. 

I take my phone out of my pocket, and sure enough, Blue’s replied. I don’t even unlock my phone yet. I just stare at the message. My chest feels like it’s going to burst from happiness.

“Who is it?” Leah asks. “You look like you’re in love with your phone screen,”

“Oh, uh- it’s just Alice. She’s almost home.” I lie, but Leah seems to believe me, since she nods and looks back to the TV.

_ Blue: Hello _

_ Blue: I’m really hoping this is Jacques. _

I bite my lip to hold back a smile, then I unlock my phone and quickly type out a reply. I’m careful not to make any typos, though. Last time was mortifying. “Dick a good guess.” UGH!

_ Me: You’d be right! How’s it going? This is so insane. You know I was joking about the phone number thing, right? It’s not too late to change your number and move to a different country. Lol.  _

_ Blue: That would be quite an excessive reaction, Jacques. You know I wouldn’t have sent you my number if I didn’t want you to have it. I feel like this is okay.  _

_ Me: I’m so glad. Thank you for trusting me, Blue. _

After that message I put my phone face-down in the carpet and then back to Leah and Nick.

“What game is this?” I ask. Like I said, I don’t really care about video games, but whatever. My phone buzzes.

“It’s Red Dead. The new one.” Nick replies, as if I know whatever the hell that means. There’s a momentary silence, which would have been the perfect opportunity to tell them that I’m gay. But it’s not. Because I don’t have the guts to tell them.

“Huh,” I say instead. Leah bends over to grab her can of Coke and takes a loud sip before putting it back down. I can hear the sound of nick pressing the buttons on his controller, and I can hear Bieber’s excited breathing. Leah’s looking at him like he’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. 

Bluegreen118. I wonder what that means. “Bluegreen” reminds me of an eye colour, or the sea. Cal Price has blue eyes. Ocean blue. I think about that a lot. 118 could mean anything. It’s not the end of a phone number, that’s for sure. Maybe it’s a birthday, but I don’t know who’s birthday is in January. Leah would probably know. She’s like the queen of birthdays. She knows my birthday better than I do. She can recite my sisters’ and my parents’ birthdays, along with all the birthdays of the people who sit at our lunch table and more. Even teachers birthdays. 

“Leah, who’s birthday is-“ I say without thinking, but I quickly cut myself off. It’s not fair for me to ask about Blue’s birthday, as curious as I am. I know he wouldn’t want that, so I quickly change the direction of my sentence.

“Who’s birthday is it in February? Out of our friends. I can’t quite remember,”

“Garrett’s.” She replies quickly. “It’s also Martin Addison’s birthday In February, if I remember correctly.”

Yuck. Why did I pick February? I really don’t want to think about him right now, especially after his outburst at play practice a few days ago. 

“Ah yeah- Garrett,” I say as if I knew all along. I didn’t, but oh well. Leah doesn’t need to know that. “Thanks, Leah”

“No problem,”

Everything feels slightly stiff and awkward today. I don’t know why. There’s another couple of minutes of silence before Leah speaks up again. 

“I’m dreading Christmas,” she says bluntly. Nick immediately stops playing and gapes at her. 

“What the hell?” He asks as if Leah just suggested that we kill the dog. She usually loves Christmas! Leah loves making a huge deal out of holidays. Instead of explaining, though, she just shrugs nonchalantly and makes a “hm” sound. Nick is still looking at her. 

I kind of agree, though. This Christmas feels weird. There’s something hanging in the air and I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. It’s heavy and thick and I really don’t like it. It feels like someone is holding a pillow over my face and waiting for me to pass out. 

All of a sudden I remember that I got a text from Blue, so I turn my phone over and unlock it. It’s already on the messages app.

_ Blue: There’s no one else I’d rather put my trust into. Thank YOU. _

I don’t reply to that message. My heart feels like it’s melting.

*

After a couple of hours, I say goodbye to Leah and Nick. I give them both extra tight hugs and wish them a happy Christmas, since I won’t see them until just before school starts, most likely. Nick’s Jewish, but I still say happy Christmas. You don’t need to be religious or Christian to feel the Christmas spirit. It’s for everyone.

The walk home is, in reality, about ten minutes. Today it feels like a million and I’m not sure why. Bieber stops to sniff every lamp post, mailbox and trash can along the way, which is unbelievably annoying. It’s super icy cold out and I can’t feel my fingers or the tip of my nose. Good thing I’m wasting extra thick socks, or I think my entire feet would rot and fall off. I see Bram Greenfeld drive past in his car and he waves. It takes me a second or two to process who it actually is, though, and by the time I get the chance to wave back he’s already driven past me. He probably thinks I’m super rude because of that. 

As cold as it is, winter nights feel oddly comforting. They remind me of blankets and hot chocolate and watching reruns of The Powerpuff Girls on the couch with Nora and Alice when we were younger. They remind me of New Year’s Eve basement sleepovers with Leah and Nick, listening to old Fall Out Boy albums and sleeping in mountains of pillows and blankets. They remind me of when Leah first became obsessed with Sailor Moon, and when I first listened to an Elliott Smith song. So many memories are attached to these cold winter nights. I need to make some with Abby. And Blue, when we meet.

*

When I wake up, I have an email. The timestamp says “8:12 am” which is absolutely ridiculous considering it’s Christmas Eve. Who the hell wakes up that early for no reason? Who has any real responsibilities on Christmas Eve morning?! Absolutely no one, as far as I’m aware. My mind is blown as to why Blue would be awake that early. Church? Surely not, because that would be in the evening. Or maybe it isn’t. I know nothing about Christianity. Or Judaism, for that matter (minus bar mitzvahs and Hanukkah). Maybe I should do some research, for Blue’s sake. 

I open up the Gmail app and begin to read.

_ FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com _

_ TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com _

_ DATE: Dec 24 at 8:12 AM _

_ SUBJECT: Christmas Eve  _

_ Jacques, _

_ It’s Christmas Eve! When I was a kid, Christmas Eve was seriously the longest day of the year. It was exciting and full to the brim of Christmas hope and ridiculous suspense. Now, though, it’s not so fun. I have to see family - that’s including Mr. Sexual Awakening and my pregnant stepmom. What do I say to her when I see her? Do I congratulate her? Do I say good luck? I don’t know.  _

_ After I see family I have to go to church. I don’t mind church too much on a normal day, but I have to spend literal HOURS there on Christmas Eve, and Christmas morning. It’s so boring, Jacques. I wish you were able to come with me. Maybe one day, if that doesn’t stress you out too much. _

_ Do you have any Christmas Eve Traditions? I bet yours are way more fun than mine. Family board game night? Trivial Pursuit? Pictionary? Cluedo? I can imagine that.  _

_ Wish me luck,  _

_ Blue.  _

So he does have responsibilities for Christmas Eve. Of course. If anyone did, it would be Blue. I feel like he doesn’t go a day without doing something important. I type out a reply to his email before going to have breakfast. 

_ FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com _

_ TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com _

_ DATE: Dec 24 at 10:43 AM _

_ SUBJECT: Re: Christmas Eve _

_ Blue,  _

_ I think you should say both congratulations AND good luck to your stepmom. Thank God you think these things through, because I’d just look at her stomach and say “oh shit,”  _

_ You’re better at these things that I am. Good luck!!!!!! You’ll be great.  _

_ Church? For hours? That sounds incredibly boring and, no offense, I’m so glad that’s not me. Although it would be more bearable if we were together. I’m not religious (as we gathered) but I’d totally go to Christmas church with you, Blue. As long as we could hold hands the whole time. _

_ Our Christmas Eve traditions definitely include games, but not board games. We play “Facebook Scavenger”, where we take it in turns to give out a topic and whoever can find a post relating to it on their Facebook feed wins. Sad, I know, but it’s been tradition ever since my youngest sister was old enough to get a Facebook account.  _

_ We also watch a movie (of which I will not disclose so that I don’t embarrass myself completely) and drink about three liters of hot chocolate each. The living room turns into a blanket dispensary, and we have French toast for breakfast. It’s so wholesome, and there’s no religion involved. Weird way to celebrate the eve of the birth of Christ, right? I bet Mary is disappointed in us.  _

_ If things get too much (or too boring) feel free to text me. We can do that now! _

_ Love, _

_ Jacques. _

I hit send after carefully proofreading, and then meet my family in the kitchen. Mom is already tucking into some French toast, and Nora is stood over the hob. 

Alice pulls me into a bear hug and ruffles my hair.

“Sorry I missed you last night, Bub.”

“It’s okay,” I reply. “You’re here now, that that’s what matters!” 

Alice happily scrunches her nose at me and pinches my cheek. I’m really happy to be reliving Christmas Eve again, but something still feels off. 

Despite that, the day goes by as normal. I get a text from Blue at about 5, and it makes me laugh.

_ Blue: It’s Love, Actually, isn’t it? The embarrassing Christmas movie. _

_ Me: I wish I could tell you it isn’t. You know me too well. ;^) _

“You look happy,” Mom says, walking behind the couch and wrapping a baby blue blanket around my shoulders. I quickly shut my phone screen off and I feel my face begin to get warm.

“Uh- yeah. You know. Christmas,” I stutter, but Mom doesn’t look convinced. I ignore her, and I end up sandwiched between dad and Nora on the couch. Alice is sat on the floor and mom is sat in the loveseat.

“So, The usual movie?” Dad asks, with the remote in his hand.

“Obviously,” Nora replies, and I can see Alice nodding slowly. Mom smiles. My phone buzzes again.

_ Blue: I know you too well, and yet I don’t even know your name. _

_ Me: That can change. _

And it does change. Sooner than I thought it would, and that’s not a good thing.

*

Fucking Martin fucking Addison. I want to cry, I want to scream and I want to smash my phone and laptop into tiny little pieces. How dare he! How fucking dare he. I read his stupid post over and over and over again until I’m sure I could recite it perfectly, word for word.

_ SIMON SPIER’S OPEN INVITATION TO ALL DUDES _

_ Dear all dudes of Creekwood, _

_ With this missive, I hereby declare that I am supremely gay and open for business. Interested parties may contact me directly to discuss arrangements for anal buttsex. Or blue-jobs. But don’t give me blue balls. That is all.  _

Nora is sat next to me on my bed and I feel like I’m about to combust. As upset and angry as I am, I really don’t know what to do, or how to react. I’m silent. 

“I already reported it,” Nora says softly, putting a hand on my arm. I take a shaky, deep breath. People have already seen it. They definitely have. It was posted even before I woke up. I can’t believe I went through the day with no knowledge of this. I feel like such a fool. 

My friends haven’t messaged me yet. I’m hoping they haven’t seen it. 

I’m hoping Blue hasn’t seen it. He’ll know what it means immediately and I have no idea how he’ll respond. Martin’s fucking “blue-jobs” joke makes it even worse. I’m angry for Blue, but I’m also scared for him. For both of us. A million thoughts are going through my head. 

I check the time. 9:31 PM. Blue is definitely already at Church, so I can’t message him now. He’s going to hate me. He’s going to leave me and I’ll be left with nothing. Fuck. FUCK. 

Nora and I sit in silence for what feels like forever. Her head is on my shoulder, and she’s holding my hand. It’s really comforting, actually, to know that someone is here for me. Nora still loves me, no matter what. I appreciate that. 

My phone buzzes a few times, and up pops a bunch of texts from Abby.

_ Abby: I’m sorry  _

_ Abby: I just saw it _

_ Abby: Simon I promise it wasn’t me I promise with all of my heart _

_ Abby: I swear I would never do that to you ever _

_ Abby: Please talk to me _

_ Abby: Nvm, I’m coming over  _

_ Abby: I love you so much _

I sigh at my phone screen and Nora looks over.

“Abby knows?”

“She does, but she’s the only one. Other than you, of course. I could probably text Leah and Nick,” I mumble.

“What about Mom and Dad? And Alice?” Nora asks, and only then does it hit me that I’ll have to tell them. Word travels fast around this neighbourhood, and if my parents don’t hear it from me first they’ll be heartbroken. 

“Shit,” I say, under my breath. 

Nita squeezes my hand and then stands up, facing me.

“I love you, okay Si? You’re, like, my favourite brother in the world, obviously, and this doesn’t change anything. I’m sorry it had to be this way, but whatever you choose to do I’ll be here for you. I promise I won’t tell anyone unless you want me to,”

“I love you Nora,” I breathe. “Thank you,”

*

At 9:45, Abby knocks on the door. She’s with Nick and Leah, which is just fucking wonderful, since it means they’ve seen the post. I step out of the door and close it right behind me.

“Whatever you do, keep your voices down. For the love of God,” I tell them, and then I fall into a sitting position on the steps. The rest of them follow me in awkwardly sitting. Abby holds my hand. 

“You’re gay?” Leah asks.

“Please, Leah! Don’t be too loud!” I say. I follow that with a moment of silence, and then sigh.

“But, yeah. I’m - I’m gay. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,”

“Who wrote that post?” Nick asks. I tell him that it doesn’t matter and he looks sheepishly at the floor. It does matter. It matters so much. 

The silence is awkward and lingering. Nick’s looking at his feet and fiddling with his shoelaces. Leah is looking at Abby, and Abby is looking at me. I sniff and a single tear falls down my cheek. This is awful. 

As much as I try to hold it back, I burst into full sobs, and Leah looks like she’s about to cry too. Abby shuffles next to me and cuddles into my side, but no one says anything. I hate this so much. Coming out was my thing! But monkey’s asshole ruined that for me. All I want is to hug Blue, and o don’t even freaking know who he is. 

I hear the door open behind me and I jump.

“It’s just me,” Nora says quickly. “Mom wants you all to come in. It’s so cold out here,”

“I can’t,” I say shakily, but nick and Leah start to stand up. 

“She’s right, Simon. Let’s go upstairs,” Leah says. She pulls me up and Abby follows. I walk past the living room as fast as I can despite my mom calling me to ask what’s going on. I can’t face her now. Not like this. I practically slam my bedroom door shut once everyone (including Nora) is settled in. I sit on my bed and wrap a blanket around myself for comfort.

“I’m sorry,” I tell them all.

“Seriously, Simon. Shut up. Stop apologising. This isn’t your fault,” Leah tells me. It just makes me cry more.

“I’m gay,” I tell them again, and I can taste the tears in my mouth. Nick smiles at me so sincerely, and Leah still looks like she’s about to cry. 

“We love you,” Abby says, and the three others start nodding in agreement. 

“We do,” Nick says. “No matter what, Simon. You know that. You’re out best friend.”

My friends and Nora keep spouting supportive words at me. I appreciate it so much. I appreciate them. But I can’t stop thinking and worrying about Blue. I care about him so much. I can’t lose him. I can’t do it. It would break my heart. I need to know who he is. More than ever, I need a face to the name. I need a NAME to the name. I just want to know. This feels so unfair. 

“Garrett texted me,” Nick starts. “He told me to apologise and to say that he supports you. He says Bram does too, but he’s busy right now so he can’t really do anything about it,” 

I nod. Bram. I barely even know Bram. 

*

At midnight on the dot, Blue messages me.

_ Blue: Happy Christmas, Jacques. I hope you get everything you wished for. _

It seems like he doesn’t know, like he hasn’t seen that creeksecrets post. All my friends reported it, even Taylor, but it’s still up there for everyone’s viewing pleasure. It’s disgusting. 

_ Me: Happy Christmas to you too, Blue.  _

_ Me: Can I tell you something? _

_ Blue: Of course. _

I take a deep breath. He needs to know this. I know that it’s important.

_ Me: Very soon you’re going to find out who I am, and not on my accords. I didn’t want this, but neither of us will be able to avoid it. You don’t have to tell me anything about you. I’m sorry if it’s disappointing for you. But please, whatever you do, don’t leave me. I need you. You’re my best friend in so many ways. I need you to understand that.  _

He hasn’t even seen the message yet but I can feel my heart shatter into three billion pieces. I throw my phone down, lie back on my bed, and cry again. Leah was right about Christmas. I should have been dreading it too. This is the worst welcome to a Christmas Day I’ve ever had. So much for comforting winter nights. 

*

I’m sat in a pile of tissue paper and ribbon, pretending that my life didn’t just fall apart less than 24 hours ago. Nora is being extra nice to me, and Blue hasn’t replied to my text yet. I need to tell my parents that I’m gay today, and I wish I didn’t. If my life was a book, this chapter would be called “Simon Spier ruins Christmas by coming out and making a huge deal out of nothing”

“I-“ I start, looking at the floor. The room goes quiet. I look up and I see my mom and dad look at me, then at each other.

“Yeah, bub?” Alice asks. 

“I need to talk to you guys. I didn’t want to do this today but I don’t have a choice-“

“Of course you have a choice. What do you mean?” Mom says to me.

“No, I seriously don’t have a choice. It’s a long story. But, well, the thing is-“

“You’re pregnant,” my dad says with a huge grin on his face. 

“Let him talk!” Nora interrupts, and my dad’s smile fades. This is so awkward.

“The thing is, I’m gay.”

Easy as that. I’ve said it and I can’t back away now. I look around. Alice has a hand over her mouth. Nora is smiling, and looks so proud of me. Dad’s mouth hangs open a little bit, and mom looks scarily calm. I guess that’s the plus side of being a psychologist. 

“You’re gay?” She asks me, and I nod. I’m gay. And I’m in love with someone who probably hates me for being so careless.

The rest of the conversation goes surprisingly well. My family are very over the top people, but I think they realise that this isn’t something that should be made into a huge massive deal. My dad makes a joke about which girlfriend “turned me”, but immediately apologises and pulls me into a watery hug. 

The rest of the day goes fine. Normal, even. I forbid myself from checking my phone, but I end up caving at about 4pm. I see that Blue replied about two hours ago, but I’m so nervous to open the message. This is it. I know he won’t want to continue this. Careful, closed-off Blue, who wasn’t ready to know who I am. Who isn’t ready to tell me who he is. Who definitely wouldn’t have appreciated Martin’s subtle “blue-balls” joke. 

I’m trying to build up the courage to open his text when Alice knocks on the door and let’s herself into my bedroom.

“Hey bub,” she says, sitting on the spinny chair behind my desk. “I’m so proud of you, you know,”

I sigh. “Thanks, Alice.”

“Something else is bothering you, though. I can tell,”

I shake my head and look at my phone screen again. I just told her that I’m gay, I can’t go telling her that I’m in love as well. She’ll probably collapse. I’LL probably collapse.

“It’s nothing,” I tell her, even though it really isn’t. It’s probably one of the most important things ever. Alice looks at me expectantly, but then realises she’s not going to get anything out of me and slowly leaves the room after kissing the top of my head.

Then, I do it. I open Blue’s message. I can see my hands shaking.

_ Blue: I already know. Jacques a dit. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this at all.  _

_ Blue: I’m not disappointed, Simon. I’m not going to leave you. In all honesty, this is all I ever wanted. _

“This is all I ever wanted.”

What the fuck does that mean? 

“Oh my god,” I say out loud. I stand up, and pace around my room.

All I ever wanted. All he ever wanted. What?! 

Does this mean whoever Blue is already liked me? So he’s got to be someone I already know somewhat well, right? I try not to think about Cal. But I do think about Cal, and before I can help myself, I’m texting Abby. 

_ Me: what do you know about Cal Price? _

_ Abby: Why?! Not a lot since I’ve only ever had about two conversations with him _

_ Me: oh right  _

_ Me: Do you have his number? It’s really important _

I want to hit myself. Why the hell would I ask that?! I’m so stupid. If Cal is Blue, he wouldn’t want this. But it’s too late now.

_ Abby: I’m sure it is _

_ Abby: here  _

She sends Cal’s number. It’s not Blue’s. Part of me is kind of relived, since I have no idea how I’d tell Blue that I’m an awful person and broke one of his rules. But I’m also mega super confused, because who the hell is he?! I really really need to know. 

I text Abby back a thanks, and then go back to Blue’s message. 

All I ever wanted. God, this feels like torture. I don’t know how to reply to him. I don’t know whether I should be calm and collected or whether I should just completely lose my shit. Either way, I don’t actually know what to say. I sit back down on my bed and read the message again. 

Blue isn’t Cal price. Blue is gay, and in my year at Creekwood. Blue is half Jewish, and his mom is a Christian. He likes Reeses and has a pregnant stepmom. His dad is an English Professor bought him a book by “freaking” Casanova. He must be really smart, if his emails are anything to go by. He likes superheroes. He likes to think about me fantasizing about sex. I could never forget that one.

My phone buzzes.

_ Blue: I know you’ve seen my message. You have read receipts on. If I know anything about you, I know that you’re silently freaking out about this. You don’t know how to reply, yes? When I say that this is all I ever wanted, I mean it, Simon. I’m really putting my heart on the line here. Quite frankly, I’ve had a crush on you since the day I met you. You’re so ridiculously adorable, Simon. I don’t know how to function around you. You make me so nervous. I’m scared for you to know who I am, because I don’t think you’ll like me. It feels like I live in a completely different world to you. But you’re amazing. I could never leave you. Especially not now.  _

Oh my god. I want to cry. I know I need to reply now, though, so I do. 

_ Me: I’ll remember to turn off my read receipts next time so I can have my silent freak outs in peace. _

_ Blue, are you freaking kidding me? I cannot believe that you think that I wouldn’t like you. Of course I would! I already do! We can’t live in worlds that are THAT different, surely. How dare you say all those cute things to me. My heart can’t take this! I can’t believe you have a crush on real me! Simon-me! I’m a complete mess. This is so surreal. Please tell me who you are, Blue. I will not be disappointed. I don’t even care. Whoever you are I will fall at your feet immediately, I can guarantee it. As long as you’re not Martin Addison. That is the one and only exception.  _

I hit send. I just want to scream “I’m in love with you!!!!!!!!” at him, but that’s definitely way too forward. This is the best Christmas present ever. I’m so happy. Blue likes me. Real me. I like real him too, even though I don’t technically know him. 

_ Blue: I don’t know if I’m ready to do that yet, Simon.  _

My heart drops, but I notice that Blue is still typing.

_ Blue: But I suppose, if I don’t take the leap of faith, I’ll never be ready. I don’t want you to have to go through whatever will probably happen school alone.  _

_ Blue: My birthday is in my email address. 118. Do with that what you will. Leah’s a birthday genius, right? Or maybe ask Garrett. He’ll know. My entire E-Mail address is actually a huge clue to my identity, if you know what to look at. _

My brain and heart are both working at one hundred miles per second. I was right about the birthday. Bluegreen118. Blue Green, January 18th. Is Blue friends with Garrett? I’m not particularly friendly with Garrett, so he must be. Garrett only sits at my lunch table because of Nick. Same goes for Bram. Does that mean that Blue is a jock? Somehow I wouldn’t have guessed that. Probably because of gay/straight stereotyping. Haha. 

So Blue is friends with Garrett. I’ve come to that conclusion, since why else would Garrett know his birthday? It’s definitely not Garrett, because his birthday is in February. 

I decide to text Leah instead of Garrett, since it would be kind of awkward to ask Garrett about Blue. He’d have a ton of questions, I bet.

_ Me: LEAH  _

_ Me: SOS _

She replies immediately.

_ Leah: What????? _

_ Me: who’s birthday is on January 18th? _

_ Leah: January 18th? _

_ Me: This is super duper mega important!!!!!!!!!!! _

_ Leah: Shit okay _

_ Leah: I don’t know off the top of my head but let me check my calendar  _

The time it takes for Leah to check her calendar feels like a lifetime. I can feel the excitement in my chest. I’m going to know who Blue is. I don’t feel ready, and yet I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life. 

The typing bubble appears. Those three dots are my least favourite thing in the world. 

_ Leah: It’s Bram Greenfeld’s birthday. Now would you care to tell me why that’s so significant??????  _

Oh fucking SHIT. Bram Greenfeld. Cute Bram Greenfeld! Bram Greenfeld who is friends with Garrett, and who has been quietly sitting at my lunch table for two fucking years. Bram Greenfeld who is so ridiculously fucking intelligent. Bram Greenfeld is gay! He likes me! Shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck. FUCK.

“Bram,” I say softly, and then I repeat it louder. “Bram. Bram Greenfeld!”

I feel so guilty for thinking Blue was Cal. I mean, I didn’t think it really, it was just a possibility. Bram was busy Christmas Eve, I remember Nick telling me that. He must have been at church. That means he read the post before I did, because surely going on your phone at church is like, against every moral code for religion. 

Leah FaceTimes me. I debate on whether or not to pick it up, but I do, since Leah is my best friend and she would freaking murder me if I ignored her again.

“Simon? January 18th? Explain?” She says to me upon pick-up. Maybe I misjudged how many questions she’d have. It probably would have been easier to message Garrett, to be honest. It definitely would have been easier. I wonder is Garrett knows about me? About Jacques? He must know that Bram is gay. 

I stumble over my words for a little bit. I don’t really know what to tell Leah. I can’t out Bram, but I also can’t leave Leah in the fog about what’s going on. 

Think, Simon. Think. 

“I-uh. I just remembered that it was someone’s birthday that day. And that’s like, super soon, right? So I needed to know if it’s someone I need to get a gift for or not, because I’m super broke,” I spit, and Leah doesn’t look convinced. I smile at her, but it looks more like a grimace. 

“Dramatic, much?” Leah says to me and I squint my eyes at her. She then exhales loudly into the mic of her earphones. 

“If that’s all, I’m gonna go. Happy Christmas, Simon. Love you,” she says and hangs up. Thank God for that. I don’t know if I could hold that up for longer than two minutes. I feel bad for lying to Leah, but she’ll understand. I imagine I won’t have to lie for too much longer anyway.

I decide to text Blue. Bram. 

_ Me: What’s your schedule for tomorrow looking like? _

_ He takes a couple of minutes to reply. _

_ Blue: Pretty empty. Why? _

_ Me: Come to my house tomorrow at two?  _

I considered Waffle House, but that feels too casual. I’m sure my mom would rather have me here anyway, since she was worrying about the amount of junk food I eat considering I’m at Waffle House about three times a week. Also, Bram isn’t out. Not really. His parents know, and Garrett probably knows. And I know, but as far as I’m aware, that’s it. I can’t imagine not kissing his face off when I meet him, so maybe Waffle House is not the best idea. 

_ Blue: Sure. See you then. _

I send him my address, then throw my phone onto my bed. 

*

It’s 9 am, and I’ve been awake since six. Seriously. I had about two and a half hours of sleep last night. I’m full to the brim of nervous excitement, and I can’t tell if it’s good or bad. I’m meeting Bram today. I mean, obviously I’ve met Bram before. He sits at my lunch table and I’ve had a good handful of conversations with him. I’ve been to his soccer games and Halloween parties. But I’ve never met him like THIS. I’ve never met him as Jacques and Blue. 

I tidy my bedroom, but not too much so it doesn’t look like I’ve gone out of my way to make an effort. I throw out some of the trash (Oreo packets, drinks bottles and the line) and I shove some of my clothes into the laundry hamper. I make my bed, obviously. I leave the clutter on my desk and next to my bed. Half-tidying proves to be way more stressful than tidying normally since I need to try and find a perfect balance of “I care” and “I’m super chill”. 

When I hear the door knock I feel like I’m about to explode. I skip down the stairs, but dad beats me to the door. At first he only opens it a crack, but when he sees Bram he opens it fully.

“Hi, Mr. Spier,” Bram says sweetly. He looks past my dad to me and back. He’s twiddling his fingers in front of his chest, which is steadily rising and falling. 

“I’m Bram. I’ve come to see Simon?” Bram continues. He looks nervous, but sounds confident. He’s taller than I remember, almost the same height as my dad, whereas I’m eye-level with his chin. My dad shakes Bram’s hand, says hello and moves to the side to let him inside. 

“Open door!” Mom yells when we’re halfway up the steps. I stop and sigh.

“Yeah!” I shout back, slightly exasperated, and continue to lead Bram to my bedroom. He stops me a couple of times to point out pictures of me when I was younger. 

“Is this from the famous fishing trip?” He grins, and inspects it for a moment. 

“Ugh, yes. You can really tell how happy I am,” I reply and Bram honest-to-God GIGGLES. He’s adorable.

I close the door of my bedroom enough for it to be private, but not enough for it to be classed as a closed door. I turn to Bram, who’s stood in the middle of my room, looking around the walls. I look him up and down. He’s wearing slightly loose gray shirt and black jeans. He’s also got a blue cardigan on which is a little too big at the sleeves. Bram notices me looking at him and his eyes widen.

“I forgot to take my shoes off! I’m so sorry,”

“Of course that’s something you’d worry about,” I laugh. “It’s fine, honestly. We’re not that kind of family,”

Bram takes a nervous step towards me. He really is pretty. His skin is kind of glowy.

“You’re a Hufflepuff,” He states, and I nod happily. 

“Yep,” 

Bram takes another step closer. I’m still looking up at him. He brings his hands up to his chest again and cracks the fingers in his right hand, one by one. He then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 

“Hi,” He says, now looking at me. “This is kind of awkward.”

I’m glad we’re on the same page here. 

“Yeah, it is. But that’s okay,” I breathe out and look at Bram’s feet. He shuffles back a little bit. 

“Can I sit?” He asks, gesturing to my bed. “Being stood up is making me nervous,”

“Uh- yeah. I mean, yeah, of course you can,”

At that moment Bieber comes scurrying into my bedroom, bringing with him the loud pitter patter of his paws hitting the floor. He jumps up at Bram, all sappy and breathless. Bram humours him and pets him while laughing. He then sits in my bed, passing next to him for Bieber to jump up, but instead of lying on the bed Bieber chooses Bram’s lap instead. Me too, Bieber. Me too. 

“My dog is literally in love with you,” I point out, and I have to physically restrain myself from adding “-that makes the both of us,” onto the end. Too forward. 

“At least I have his approval,” Bram replies, and then I move over to sit opposite him. My bedroom has an opening from where a fireplace used to be (I think), and conveniently for me, it perfectly holds a double bed. That means that Bram and I end up sat against the walls, our feet slightly touching.

“Wait,” Bram says. I look at him. “Surely I have to take my shoes off now, right? The bed?”

“Oh my God, Bram. Stop worrying about the shoes thing!” I laugh and push him a little with my foot. 

There’s a little bit more silence, but it’s not really that awkward. This is new for us and I know that he’s trying to figure this out just as hard as I am. Bieber is totally sprawled out in Bram’s lap, and it’s totally adorable. I think he just replaced Leah as Bieber’s best friend, and that’s saying something. 

“I’m sorry you were outed. I know that’s not what you wanted,” Bram says finally, looking at me sadly. I shrug.

“It’s okay. I mean, it’s not, but also it kind of is. I was expecting it. It was just a matter of time, I guess.”

“What do you mean?” Bram asks. I forget that he doesn’t know about the whole Blackmailing thing. I kind of assume he knows everything about me, really, but that’s something I forbid myself from ever telling Blue. But he deserves to know.

“If I tell you do you promise not to be upset? Or stop talking to me?” I ask. Bram moves forward and takes my hand in his own. It feels like every single nerve ending in my hand just got set on fire, but in the best way possible. I look at our hands for a moment. Is it cliché to say that the fit perfectly together? That’s totally cliché.

“I promise. I already told you I wouldn’t leave and I plan on sticking by that, no matter what.”

I take a deep breath, and I don’t take my eyes off our intertwined hands. 

“In October, Marin Addison found our emails. He said that if I didn’t help him get with Abby, he’d tell the whole school that I’m gay. I told him I would, but mostly because I wanted to protect you. I thought that if you knew someone had found our emails you would completely flip. Anyway, about a week before Christmas, he asked Abby out at play practice but she rejected him, and he completely went off at me. Like seriously freaked out. He left practice and everything. But obviously, my help wasn’t deemed sufficient enough. So he put that stupid ducking post on the Tumblr,” I explain. I know it’s a lot for Bram to take in - hell, it’s even a lot for ME to take in and I’ve had a long time to process it. I tear my vision away from our hands and look at Bram’s face. I realise that he’s looking at our hands, too.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. He sounds upset, and rightly so. I just want to pull him into a hug and apologise over and over again and kiss his cute face. But I can’t do that yet. I don’t think so, anyway.

“It’s okay,” I assure him, and squeeze his hand. “_I'm_ sorry. I should have been more careful,” 

Bram lets go of my hand and I can’t help but feel slightly disappointed. He then attempts to move Bieber off his lap, which doesn’t work the first time, so I yell at Nora to call him, which she does. He immediately jumps up and leaves my room to go and annoy Nora. Bram then kneels up and moves next to me. My disappointment about the hands thing is completely gone when Bram wraps both of his arms around my torso and pulls me into him.

“Don’t be sorry,” he whispers, and it goes through my entire body. I place my head on his shoulder. This feels right. We stay in that position for a while. We don’t talk - we just enjoy each other’s presence. I’m suddenly incredibly glad I decided against Waffle House - There definitely would not have been an opportunity to cuddle like this. I feel so content and safe when Bram is holding me like this. It feels like nothing could ever hurt me. 

“I’m not ready to be out at school yet,” Bram says eventually and move to look at him.

“I understand. That’s okay. You don’t have to be,”

“I don’t want you to have to keep more secrets, but I really want to be with you, Simon.”

My heart stops and I can feel my face getting hot. I know I’m grinning like an idiot, but I can’t help it. Holding back this smile would take an immense amount of effort, and I have had very little sleep, and I want to save my energy for talking to Bram, since he deserves it. So I let myself grin like an idiot. 

“Like, boyfriends?”

“If that’s what you want,”

“That’s what I want.” I tell him confidently. There’s another moment of silence. Not awkward, uncomfortable silence, though. Happy silence. I take Bram’s hand again, but since his sleeves are a little long he has to push it up first.

“You’re cute, you know?” I tell him. “I don’t know why you were worried that I wouldn’t like you. I always called you ‘Cute Bram Greenfeld’ in my head,”

Bram grins. “Seriously? Simon,”

“Dead serious,” I reply matter-of-factly. I do a curt little nod and everything. “How could I not? Cute boy is cute. Cute boy plays soccer and like… reads books,”

“Reads books. Really? That’s why I’m cute. Because I read,” Bram looks like he’s about to explode from happiness. Like at any second he’ll just burst like a confetti cannon or something. Purple and silver confetti.

“Obviously not just because you read. Look at that face! But the reading thing definitely adds to it. I don’t know,” I laugh nervously and Bram kisses the top of my head.

And… yep. I’m dead. I don’t think it’s possible to put a limit to the word ‘adorable’ when I’m around Bram. I think I’ll need to look up some new adjectives. 

“You’re cute. But I have a question,” Bram sits up, his tone went from soft to serious and now I’m nervous. I don’t say anything, I just look up at him to prove he has my full attention. How could I not give Bram my full attention? I’m literally head over heels for him and I’ve only known him for about two seconds. Or five months. Whatever.

“What are we going to tell our parents? And friends? I want my mom to know, but in all honesty, Abby Suso isn’t the most secretive person in the world,”

I hate to admit it, but I know he’s right. Abby managed to keep the fact that I was gay to herself, but if she found out about me and Bram she would literally flip her shit. Like, balls to the walls, completely freaking feral. Leah and Nick, not so much, but I can’t tell them and not Abby. The time will come, but the time is not right now. And I’m kind of okay with that.

“You’re right. I don’t want to keep secrets, but we shouldn’t tell our friends yet. Not for a couple of weeks, maybe. Abby will totally shit and we, or I, need time to figure this out without the pressure from our friends. Also, you should tell your mom. WE should tell her - I’ll come and meet her whenever, if you want,”

Bram cracks his fingers again and furrows his brows.

“Yeah. Okay,” He replies eventually. “What about your parents, though?”

I know I shouldn't tell them today. But I also know I can’t tell them without Alice there, so that means I’ll have to tell them before school starts, which is in exactly ten days. I have ten days to build up the courage to tell them about Bram, and ten days to prepare for the truckload of questions they are guaranteed to ask me.

“Not today. Soon, though. Before school starts. If that’s okay with you?”

“Yeah. That’s okay. I know we aren’t telling our friends yet but Garrett already knows pretty much everything. I’m sorry. I had to tell him. He’s my best friend and I had no one else to talk to and he was itching to know every last detail. But he’ll respect the situation and keep his mouth shut. I know he seems like an ass but he’s actually a really great guy,” Bram explains and I nod my head carefully.

“That’s fine. I think the thing I really need to worry about is you falling in love with Garrett before you can get to me,”

I raise my hand to my mouth. Shit. Why did I say that? Way to go, Simon, assuming that cute boys are just going to fall in love with you left, right and centre. What the hell? I’m such a pottymouth sometimes, it’s ridiculous. Who knows how on Earth I managed to keep the gay thing a secret for four years. Whew.

Bram looks slightly taken aback, but also twinkly-eyed hopeful.

“Assuming I’m going to fall in love with you already? That’s very bold of you, Simon,” He jokes.

“I- Uh- That’s not-” I stutter over my words and Bram’s eyes go crinkly around the edges.

“I’m joking. I’ve practically been in love with you for three years,”

I try and pretend that’s not a huge, massive deal, even though it is. It’s literally the biggest deal ever in the history of deals in my brain, but now I’m chill Simon, trying to make a good impression. Not like Bram doesn’t know basically everything about me anyway. What even is the point? 

I decide not to pick up on that too much. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, somehow.

“God, how could you even?”

“Why do you think I never speak at the lunch table?”

“I’m one of the cute guys that makes you tongue-tied?” I ask happily.

“You’re THE cute guy,” Bram confirms, and pulls me into him again. I could really get used to this. It feels almost unreal. Way too fantasy fairytale fanfiction story. Not that I’m complaining.

We talk about everything after that. Little fetus being the size of a sweet potato. Frank Ocean being gay. The fact that Casanova is apparently bisexual. I know, right? Bram’s parents are totally invested in his sex life. It’s kind of scary. Bram’s parents are seriously invested in his sex life. My parents can be pretty overbearing and nosy, but at least not like THAT.

“Wait,” I say, remembering something. “You said there were more clues in your email address?”

“Ah- Yeah. Blue Green. Bram Louis Greenfeld. Abraham.”

“Ohhh,” I reply. “Cute name,” Bram squirms a little when I say that. At that moment, I become acutely aware of the contact between our bodies. The way Bram has his fingers wrapped up in the back of my hair. My head on his shoulder, our thighs touching ever so slightly. Every nerve in my body feels charged, like anywhere Bram touched me could zap him. I can hear him breathing next to me, and even though he’s the one who decided to cuddle into me, he still seems nervous.

I observe the side of his face. He’s blinking slowly, and his lips are turned up, but only enough to notice if you were as close as I am to him. Despite that, though, he’s still tapping his fingers on the bed. He’s still lightly shaking his foot. The light from my window hits his eyes perfectly. He looks at me and I quickly look away. I really want to kiss him, but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. I can tell he feels the same way. 

  
  


“Only my dad calls me Abraham,” Bram finally says, looking a little wistful.

“Your dad plus me!” I say proudly, pressing my thumb to my chest. Bram also pokes my chest and we hold eye contact for a split second.

“My middle name is Irvin,” I tell Bram. He looks amused. 

“Did you know that my sisters and I all have names of chipmunks? Out of Alvin and the Chipmunks?” I say, and a huge grin appears on Bram’s face.

“That is the best thing ever,” 

“Right? Nora hates it, but Alice and I think that it’s amazing.”

“What do I hate?” Nora appears in the doorway. Bram turns around quickly and looks like he’s seen a ghost. He then turns to me, evidently anxious, but he also doesn’t let go of me. If anything, he holds me closer. Nora casually walks forward and flops down onto my bed, taking zero visible notice of me and Bram huddled into each other. She is so epic sometimes. 

“I was telling Bram about the chipmunks thing,” I tell her, and she groans dramatically.

“Oh my god, you are so proud of that. I wish my name really was Nora instead of Eleanor. Maybe I should change it when I turn eighteen,”

“Nora, if you do that, I will officially disown you as a sister. So will Alice, probably.” I hear Bram giggle quietly next to me. I want to kiss him. 

“I’m obviously joking. Besides, mom would never let me. We are the chipmunk siblings for life,” we high five before Nora continues.

“Anyway, Mom wants to know if Bram is staying for dinner?” She directs the question at me but looks at Bram. 

“I don’t know. Do you want to?” I ask him. He cracks his fingers again. 

“Um,”

“You totally can,” Nora tells him. “Mom loves showing off to guests, you seriously don’t have to worry. The first time Abby came over mom pretty much peed her pants because she was so excited. She’s like a puppy when it comes to hospitality,” 

Bram smiles warmly down at Nora and nods. “Yeah. Okay then. Tell her thanks,” 

Nora puts both her thumbs up then leaves the room. Bram then turns to me.

“Okay, Mr. ‘sisters-are-a-freaking-handful’.” He says and I poke him in the side. 

“Nora’s cool now. But she was a handful,”

“I bet you’re the handful around here,” Bram laughs, and I pretend to be offended and poke him again.

*

Nora does not joke around when she says that mom is like a puppy when someone new comes over for dinner. She’s treating Bram like some kind of Indian prince, and he looks so content. I was so scared my family would be overbearing for him, but he seems cool with them. My dad freaking LOVES him. 

Mom and Nora made some spicy casserole thing for dinner, and it’s actually really nice. 

‘’So,’’ my mom starts casually, poking at her casserole. ‘‘What brings you here, Bram? Not that I’m complaining - you seem lovely! I’m just curious,’’

Nora coughs and Bram quickly swallows his food.

‘’Oh - yeah. You see, it’s kind of a long story-‘’ 

Dad cuts him off. ‘‘We have time,’’

I look over at Alice, who’s looking at me with squinty, quizzical eyes. I find Bram’s hand under the table, and I give it a reassuring squeeze. He looks at me, and I know exactly what he’s trying to ask me.

‘‘Well, it’s kind of a funny story,’’ I look at Alice while I say it, and then I look over to my parents, who have both put their forks down.

‘’So, the reason I had to come out to you guys was because of a kid in my year at school. He found out that I was gay and tried to Blackmail me. Obviously it didn’t work, so he put a post on the school tumblr and told everyone that I’m gay in possibly the most childish way ever,’’

‘’Bub, why didn’t you tell us this? Or even me? Did Nora know?’’

Nora nods.

‘’Because it doesn’t matter-‘’

‘‘ Well sure it does, kid. How did he even find out you were gay?’’ Dad chimes in. I nod.

‘‘See, that’s the funny part. I left my school email up on the computers by accident, and he found it, and read my emails. Since August, I’d been talking to Bram here anonymously over email, because he’s gay too. We became friends,’’

The table is silent. Bram takes his hand away from mine, and I can hear him cracking his fingers under the table. That’s the third time today. Not that I’ve been counting. I’m too aware of him. He’s nervous - he’s never heard that story before. I never told him. 

Nora is smiling sadly at me. Alice looks like she’s about to burst into tears. Mom is looking at her plate, and dad is looking at her. 

‘’So… uh. Yeah. Bram is my boyfriend now,’’ I break into the silence awkwardly and both Mom and Alice immediately look at me.

‘’Well, Bram, I’m very happy you are, and have been, here to support Simon through this. You are a wonderful boy and I really hope we’ll be able to see more of you from here on out. You’re welcome whenever,’’ She smiles happily in Bram’s direction - a genuine smile. My entire family look like they’re about to explode from happiness, and I can’t help but grin at them all back. 

No truckload of questions. No judgment. Just pure acceptance.

*

I don’t see Bram again until school starts, but we text every day. It sucks because I wanted to meet his mom, but we were able to arrange it for the weekend after school starts. I see Leah, but not Nick or Abby. When my alarm goes off on the first day of school, I just want to bury my head into my pillow and never leave. I’m absolutely freaking dreading this. Who knows what’ll happen - I have to see Martin again and probably listen to some bullshit apology he’s made up for me. Or not, whatever. I know for a fact that there is a slew of casual homophobes that walk out halls every single day. 

Either everyone will ignore me, or I’ll be the center of attention. I don’t know which one I’d hate more. I don’t want to be given special treatment. 

My mom wanted to report Martin to the school, but I refused to tell her who actually outed me. I don’t want it to be a big deal. I just want to forget. I’m out now, no matter how it happened, and I can’t go back. 

When I pull into school, Leah is waiting at the gate for me. Nora gives me a hug before going to find her friends, so I’m stood in front of Leah awkwardly.

‘’How you feeling?’’ She asks.

‘’Scared,’’ I reply, and she takes my hand in hers. It takes me back a little, because only Abby has ever done that to reassure me. I feel a sense of sudden appreciation for Leah. She’s really trying. 

‘‘I love you, Leah. You’re like, the best friend ever,’’

Leah blushes. It’s so intense - she’s like a chili pepper. I don’t think that Leah can do anything in a non-intense way.

I follow her into school. English is first period. When I walk in, I immediately see Abby, who is sat on a desk laughing with Garrett. I scan the room for Bram, who apparently hasn’t shown up yet. He’s probably sat in his car, totally freaking, in the most Bram way possible. We decided on not telling our friends yet, but Nora didn’t know and accidentally told Leah, who then told Nick, who then told Abby. So basically, all our friends know, and I’m not entirely sure how Bram is dealing with that. 

I slink out of English to look for Bram. We still have about fifteen minutes until class starts, so that gives me more than enough time. 

I go out to the car park, and his car is there, just not him. I stand and rack my brains for places that Bram would disappear to. I eventually come to the conclusion of the library, so I speed walk up there. Sure enough, I find him sat in a corner, reading something. I’m not sure what. 

I stand in front of him and push my foot against his. 

‘‘Hey,’’ I say. Bram folds the top of his page and puts the book down. I decide not to call him out on that - I’ll save that for later.

‘‘I don’t want to go to English,’’ he says quietly, so I sit down next to him. 

‘’Unlike you,’’ I reply lightly and Bram exhales sharply. ‘’What’s on your mind?’’

Bram plays with the frayed bit at the end of his jeans. 

‘’You should come to English.’’ I tell him after he doesn’t reply. Instead, he sighs, nods and stands up, offering me a hand. I take up happily, and pull myself up. Bram’s a good few inches, maybe more, taller than me, so I have to look up at him. I take a step forward and wrap my arms around his waist, placing my head on his chest. 

*

English goes fine. The rest of the morning goes fine, actually. Bram stays pretty quiet, but that’s not new, so no one really takes any notice. I talk to the group normally in classes. After fourth period, Bram appears behind me at my locker. 

‘’Do you want to go somewhere?’’ He asks.

‘’Where?’’ 

‘’I don’t know yet. Somewhere,’’

‘’We can’t avoid our friends forever, you know,’’ I chuckle and Bram pokes my forehead. 

‘‘I know, but also I haven’t seen you in over a week, and I missed you,’’

‘’You missed me?’’ I smile up at him. He takes a step forward.

‘‘Yes - don’t look at me like that. We can talk to our friends another time. Come on,’’

Bram’s car is old. Like super old. Even older than Leah’s, which is seriously saying something. He unlocks it, and I climb into the passenger seat, Bram sitting in the drivers seat next to me. He fiddled around with some wires for a moment, and then hands me an iPod.

‘’I can choose something?’’ I ask. Leah never lets me choose the music. 

‘‘Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way,’’ Bram replies, starting up the car. I don’t know why my body has decided to treat that gesture as a freaking marriage proposal, but I feel so fuzzy. 

I notice that Bram has every single Elliott Smith album on his iPod. Even  _ From A Basement On A Hill _ . I’m actually quite impressed, but also - I’m freaking head over heels for this boy. He is so cute. 

Obviously I pick an Elliott Smith song - Shooting Star - and I look over and grin at Bram. 

‘’I should have known,’’ he jokes.

‘’You’re seriously the cutest. You just had these? Because of our emails?’’

Bram nods. I put my hand on his shoulder. Every touch is meaningful, calculated. 

We end up in the car park of Publix, eating Oreo Mush and holding hands. It feels totally unreal and way too lovey-dovey. If we forget about Martin Addison, I almost can’t believe this is my life. 

But then it hits me. Carter Addison. If Carter, Martin’s gay brother, knew that Martin had done this to me, he would most definitely flip his shit. 

‘’You look like you’re thinking about something important,’’ Bram points out. I can’t read his expression. His eyebrows are slightly furrowed, but the sides of his lips are also turned up, his eyes bright and twinkly.

‘‘Did you know that Martin Addison has a brother?’’ I ask. Bram shakes his head.

‘’Why? Is there something I should know? Did you hook up with him?’’

I laugh, and Bram looks incredibly pleased with himself.

‘‘Oh my God, Bram. No. But he IS gay. Imagine that! Martin Addison, biggest dick in the history of dicks, has a gay brother. Right? But do you see what I’m thinking?’’ 

‘’That Martin Addison has a big dick?’’ I swat at Bram and he giggles. ‘’I’m joking, but seriously, Simon-‘’

‘’Abraham, I am going to kill you.’’

‘‘Don’t call me Abraham!’’

‘’What’s wrong? Would you prefer Bramaham? What about Bramothy?’’ I inquire playfully. Bram studies my face and takes another bite of Oreo mush. 

‘’Funny you should say that, because Garrett calls me both of those things. He will go to any length to not actually call me ‘Bram’. When he says it, it’s annoying, but you get a pass because you’re cute.’’

‘’What the heck. I am not cute,’’ I insist, but I know for a fact that my face is bright red now. 

‘’You say while blushing. Anyway, what’s this about Martin’s brother? Carter?’’

Oh, crap. Yeah. Bram is very distracting and surprisingly flirty for someone who wouldn’t even tell me his name a couple of months ago. I think that’s going to be a problem. 

‘’Right. Yes. So, Carter Addison is gay, right? So he would totally fucking flip the hell out of he found out about what Martin did to us. I bet you any money. Gay people solidarity, and all that. So I’m thinking we should find his Facebook or something, and shoot him a message. Nothing too mean, or anything. Just like,  _ Hey, Carter! Listen to this about what your brother did to me and my boyfriend! Soooo not cool, right?!  _ And then Martin would get the most epic ass-slapping of all time,’’

Bram’s studying me, looking half amused. His eyes flick down to my lips. I try not to notice. Instead, I poke his leg to try and get a reply out of him.

‘’Sorry, yeah. That’s actually a really good idea.’’ He says, finally.

‘’You totally weren’t even listening!’’

‘’Um, yes I was! We should definitely tell Martin’s brother. He can’t get away with hurting you like that,’’

‘’Hurting us,’’ I correct him, but Bram shakes his head.

‘’Hurting YOU. But I think we should head back to school. We can arrange Martin’s so-called ‘ass-slapping’ on Wednesday, maybe? I have soccer after school, but you can come over - my mom isn’t home,’’ he adds, evidently noticing my visible panic. I breathe a mental sigh of relief. 

‘’Yes. Okay. That’s perfect,’’ I tell him. We finish our Oreo mush and head back to school.

*

Okay. So Bram is really hot. Like, dangerously hot, especially for a school setting. I’m with Abby, who agreed to come along with me so that she could heckle Nick, who is only recently her boyfriend. Thank God, though, because we don’t have to deal with Nick’s helpless pining anymore. I don’t know what this means for Leah, though, who’s actually joining us when she finishes whatever the heck she’s been up to recently. I don’t know.

Anyway - Bram. Abby and I are stood at the sidelines, and even though it’s cold as balls, I couldn’t be more content. I can’t take my eyes off Bram. He’s running around in these white shorts, with a white football shirt and a black underlay thing underneath. He looks weirdly and completely ethereal and I very badly want to kiss him. And also his legs. Is that weird? I think it’s weird. Whatever. We haven’t kissed yet, and even though I’m kind of okay with that, it’s literally all I want to do right now. And maybe things a little less innocent. 

Bram kicks the ball full force into the goal, and Nick and Garrett run over to high five him. Bram’s grinning, and despite the cold, his cheeks are tinted red, and he’s sweaty, and has a couple of curls sticking to his face. He sits down and runs and pushes his hair back.

Yeah, okay. Things that are definitely a lot less innocent. 

I feel my face warm up.

Nick, Garrett and Bram continue talking for a little bit, and then Garrett pulls Bram up. They all head over to me and Abby, and Leah, who just arrived. 

‘’It’s seriously cold as all fuck out here. How the hell are you guys in shorts?!’’ Leah asks, walking on the spot and rubbing her hands together. Abby takes a step towards Nick and grind up at him. He looks ridiculously pleased with himself. 

‘’Nice goal,’’ I tell Bram shyly, and he smiles at me. When he looks at me like that, it actually feels like I’m the only person who’s ever existed. 

‘’Yup!’’ Garrett interrupts the moment, sloppily throwing an arm around Bram’s shoulders. ‘’Greenboy here is our best shooter,’’

‘’Greenboy?’’ I ask, amused.

‘’I told you,’’ Bram says. ‘’Anything but a simple  _ Bram _ ,’’

‘’It’s weird that they’re making you try out again,’’ Says Abby.

‘’I know. It’s like a formality, kind of. Just to see-‘’ Garrett pauses to catch his breath. ‘’- like, where he wants to put us.’’

‘’Oh, okay,’’ Abby replies. 

Leah takes a small step toward me. She seems uncomfortable. I’m not sure. It’s always been hard to read Leah’s body language. Or maybe I’m just a really crappy friend, but Leah’s emotions are seriously so complex that I just can’t understand her sometimes. She’s got a little world in her head. Bram smiles at her. She smiles back. This is good.

“What happens if you screw up the audition?” I ask Bram quickly. He looks down at me. Garrett and Leah are carefully studying this interaction. I can tell.

‘’Audition?’’ Asks Bram, smiling so quietly. He’s really close to me now. I can almost feel his breath on my face. 

‘‘ Tryouts,’’ I look up and blush.

Our little moment is interrupted by the soccer coach yelling for Nick, Garrett and Bram to come back for a quick team meeting before practice ends. So I’m left kind of hazy, watching Bram run back to the field.

‘’Simon Spier, dating a soccer boy,’’ Leah chuckles and nudges me. ‘’How on earth did that happen?’’

‘’It’s a long story,’’ I say, trying to act calm. Leah puts her head on my shoulder. I glance at Abby, who looks like she’s completely in her own world with Nick. Usually I’d vomit, but I realise now that it’s actually quite sweet. Probably because I’m ridiculously in love with Bram. Leah is almost definitely internally vomiting, though. 

‘’Eisner!’’ 

‘’Shit,’’ nick mutters. He kisses Abby and runs off, and Abby beams at me. 

‘’Almost vomit-inducing,’’ I tell her. ‘’Almost,’’

‘’Hush. He’s cute. Leave me be,’’ she swats at me. 

‘’Do you know who else is cute?’’ Leah asks, and Abby gives her a bright-eyed, knowing look.

‘’I do. Bram Greenfeld,’’

Jesus. Here we go. I shake my head loosely and then rest my arms on the bar in front of me. 

‘’No, Simon. Seriously. You do realise that there are so many girls in this school who would sell most of their belongings to just get a kiss from Bram? And now, under mysterious circumstances which you are yet to reveal to us-‘’ Abby pokes me. ‘’You can just kiss him whenever you want?!’’

‘’You’re going red,’’ Leah points out and I tap her foot with mine. 

“I am not,”

“You totally are!” Leah protests, and I bite back a smile. 

“That is totally the cutest thing ever,” Abby nods solemnly. I’m so overwhelmed - I don’t even know what to say to these girls. I keep my eyes on Bram. 

*

Leah leaves to catch the bus before practice ends, and Abby and Nick leave before Bram comes back. I further wrap my jacket around myself and breathe into my cupped hands for even the smallest bit of warmth. It’s so freaking cold, I think the moisture in my eyes is going to freeze. If that’s even possible.

Bram arrives after a few minutes of me trying to desperately warm my hands up. His hair is damp and he has a bag neatly slung over his shoulder. How someone is able to have something ‘neatly slung’ is beyond me, but this is Bram - everything about him is neat. 

‘’You ready?’’

‘’YES. I am ridiculously glad my car has heating in it, because I am so cold. So so cold.’’

‘’Do you want to wear my hoodie?’’ Bram asks sweetly, and I squint my eyes at him. I will give it to him - that’s a very very tempting offer. But I don’t want Bram to be cold, so I refuse his offer. He almost looks hurt, but I try not to look into it too much. Bram takes my hand, and we sing our arms slightly on the way to the car.

In the car park, though, we immediately let go. Because Martin Addison is leaning against my car. 

‘’Where have you been?’’ He calls out. I ignore him. I don’t even move. 

‘’Can we talk for a second?’’ He asks, and then his eyes flick over to Bram. ‘’Alone, maybe?’’

I glance at Bram. He looks upset. But also angry? Shit, I am completely hopeless at reading people.

‘’I don’t have anything to say to you,’’ I say, finally. Martin sighs, kicks a stone and then takes a step towards me. He looks at Bram again. 

‘’Simon, just -‘’ he looks at Bram a third time, and then lowers his voice. ‘’I seriously owe you an apology.’’

I take a step away from Martin, and he stretches his arms forward, almost touching me. ‘’God, I’m just. I’m just so sorry,’’

Bram huffs next to me and shuffles. I just stand and sort of gape at Martin. He bends down and runs his knees. 

‘’Just go away, Martin,’’ Bram speaks up, and it startled me a little bit. Martin seriously looks like a deer in headlights. He puts a gloved hand behind his head and grimaces. 

‘’Look, I’m sorry, alright? I was pissed off, the whole Abby thing… I just feel like shit, okay?’’ He lowers his voice even further and leans into me. As if he’s trying to protect himself from Bram knowing how much of a shitty person he is. He doesn’t even know that Bram is the guy in the emails.

‘’I deleted those screenshots ages ago, I swear to God. So can you please just say something?’’

I mean, I almost start laughing.

‘’What the fuck do you want me to say?’’

‘’I don’t know. I’m just trying-‘’ 

I take a step to the side. 

‘’Okay, how about this? I think you’re a huge fucking asshole. You blackmailed me. What was the point? Humiliating me? This is a big fucking thing, okay?! This is supposed to be - this is mine. I’m supposed to decide when and where and who knows and how I want to say it. So yeah, you took that away from me,’’

I look at Bram, and his expression makes me want to cry. I want to hug him, and I want to cry until there are no tears left. 

‘’And then you bought Blue into it? Seriously?’’ I say, a little softer. ‘’You fucking suck, Martin. So can you please just get away from my car, and leave me the fuck alone?’’ 

Martin is crying. He’s trying not to, but he’s seriously, full-on crying. He nods frantically, then quickly scuttles away from me. 

I get into my car, and Bram follows in the passenger seat. I put my head on the steering wheel and I take a deep breath, but instead of starting the car up, I just start sobbing. 

‘’Simon,’’ Bram whispers. I pull my hands up to my eyes and rub them.

‘’Simon, I am so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. Come on, let me drive,’’

‘’You can’t,’’ I sniff. ‘’My mom will kill me,’’

‘’She doesn’t have to know. Besides, I think she’d be more worried to know that you’re crying while driving,’’ 

Bram hauls ass out of the passenger seat, walks around the front of the car, and opens my door. He puts a hand out and I take it. The way he’s holding my hand is different from all the other times. It’s more gentle.

So Bram ends up driving us to his house, and I am colossally embarrassed because I hate crying. Especially in front of people, especially in front of Bram. I think he can tell, so he puts a hand on my knee.

‘’Hey. It’s okay,’’ he says. ‘’I’m here for you no matter what. And when we get home, we can Facebook stalk Martin and try and find his brother,’’

*

Bram’s house is smaller than mine, but I suppose that’s normal considering only he and his mom live here. From the outside, it’s very cute. The front lawn is covered in colourful flowers, despite the fact that it’s January, and there’s a bird feeder, and a cross above the door. As we walk down the drive, I realise that faint music is coming from inside. Bram freezes.

“Shit,” He whispers and turns to face me.

“What?” 

“My mom is home.”

Oh. OH. Oh fuck. I don’t think I’m ready to meet Bram’s mom. She doesn’t know me, and as far as I’m aware, she doesn’t even know that Bram is dating someone. But my eyes are red from crying, and my hair is a mess, and my glasses are dirty. I always imagined Bram’s mom to be one of those people who could never leave anything out of place and alphabetizes all of her spices. Probably because Bram’s similar.

I fiddle with the zip of my hoodie. I’m actually wearing two of them, underneath a blue denim jacket, because I definitely prioritize warmth over fashion. 

“What do you want to do?” Bram asks. I only just notice how tall Bram is. I mean, I knew before, but now I NOTICE it. 

“I want to hug you,” I mumble. I kind of didn’t mean to say it, so it takes me aback a little, but Bram immediately pulls me into a huge bear-hug.

“Do you want to come in? Or go home? I won’t be offended if you do want to go home, I understand that-”

“I’ll come in.” I say. Bram pulls away from me and holds my shoulders.

“Are you sure? Obviously we don’t have to tell her anything.”

“I’m sure,” I reply. I’m not, but if I don’t take a leap of faith now, I’ll be even more anxious on Saturday, when we’re meant to be having dinner. I follow Bram down the driveway, and into his house. 

Inside, rap music is playing. I’m not sure what artist is playing, but it’s loud and upbeat. The house smells amazing, maybe some kind of lasagna? The hallway is decorated with various paintings, family pictures and religious paintings. Bram pokes his head into the kitchen, and I hover awkwardly behind him, trying to pretend that Martin Addison didn’t just harass me in the school car park. 

‘’Hi, mom,’’ he says, a little loudly to make sure he’s heard over the music. Bram’s mom turns around, and she’s beautiful. Maybe it’s weird to say that about your boyfriend’s mom, but I don’t even care. Her hair is in braids, tied into a ponytail on top of her head. Her eyes are just as big and expressive as Bram’s, and her skin is glowy too. They look perfectly alike, and yet so different at the same time. In my family we all look exactly the same - Leah calls us a ‘total copy-paste family’. 

“Hi, honey! Who’s your friend?”

Bram’s lips turn up ever, ever so slightly, and he cracks one of his knuckles.

“This is Simon, we’re just going to hang out, I guess,” Bram says to his mom, sort of nonchalantly, and she does this weird brow-furrow, squinty side eye trio that leah would absolutely LOVE. But, yeah. Bram’s mom is obviously not buying Bram’s ‘hanging out’ reason. But, thank God, she goes along with it anyway.

“Yeah. Okay. Simon, will you be wanting dinner?”

Jesus Christ (sorry. Probably shouldn’t say that in Bram’s house). I don’t know how to reply to that. Part of me wants to say yes, for the obvious reasons: food. But I also don’t want to intrude?

“Um.” I say, and quickly look at Bram for some kind of guidance.

Which he helpfully doesn’t give me.

“It’s honestly fine, sweetheart, I’ve probably made too much anyway. If you weren’t here, Bram and I would have just had leftovers tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah. Okay then. Thank you so much, Ms. Greenfeld,”

She beams at me, and her teeth are perfect too. Seriously, what is it about this family and their sheer perfection?

Bram leads me upstairs, and when he closes his door behind us, I feel like I can breathe again. That was the third most stressful moment of my life, following closely behind being outed and coming out to my parents.

Bram laughs all of a sudden, and it startles me.

“You looked so nervous,” 

“I was nervous! Holy shit, Bram. It felt like a police interrogation. Like, one wrong move and I’d be kicked out. Plus, I look like-” I gesture at my general body area with my hands “-this.”

Bram shakes his head. “You’re fine, Simon. Wow, I’ve never met someone who overthinks more than I do. You know my mom isn’t some kind of… Agatha Trunchbull figure, right? She’s really sweet,”

“Well, yeah, I mean, I obviously know that now. I’m just saying. You aren’t exactly unintimidating, surely that came from somewhere,”

Bram shuffles forward. “I don’t think so? I mean, I’m not actually intimidating. You’re more intimidating, you’re like some sort of adorable social chameleon.”

“And that’s intimidating?” I ask, amused.

“Well, yes, I suppose so. But you’re also cute, which doesn’t help,”

“Stop calling me cute,” I mumble, my face heating up. Bram smiles.

“Nope,” He says, then turns around and goes to sit on his bed. He pulls his laptop from his desk and opens it up.

“Are you ready to Facebook stalk Martin?”

“I’m always ready to Facebook stalk literally anyone,” I inform Bram, and I sit next to him, our shoulders touching. He moves in closer.

‘’Good, okay…’’ Bram pulls up Martin’s Facebook page and starts mooching. I go to rest my head on Bram, but my phone buzzed in my ass pocket. I pull it out, and see that it’s a text form Leah.

** _Leah:_ ** _ You should kill Martin. Like, seriously fucking murder him. _

I’m confused. What has Martin done? Other than the obvious, but as far as I know, Leah doesn’t know about that.

** _Me_ ** _ : ???? _

** _Leah:_ ** _ Are you still with Bram???? Can I facetime you???? _

Before I even get a chance to answer, she’s already FaceTiming me.

“It’s Leah,” I say to Bram, who jumped at the sudden noise.

“What does she want? Is she okay?” Bram asks.

“She knows something about Martin and I have no freaking clue how,”

I press the green circle on my screen, and Leah’s face pops up. It’s all pixelly for a minute, but then it clears up.

“Hi,” I say. “I’m with Bram,”

“Hi. Hi, Bram! Okay, so basically, I was in fucking Target with my mom, right? And Martin walks in, and he seriously looks like he had seen a ghost or something. His eyes were all red, and my mom is all like, ‘Oh, what’s up with him?’ and then I’m like ‘Oh, its Martin, like, ignore him,’ but my mom is already fucking walking up to him to see if he’s okay because he seriously looked as if he’s just been verbally abused or something,”

“Leah, breathe,” I tell her calmly. When Leah gets angry she either doesn’t talk for hours, or word vomits to the point where you need to remind her that humans need oxygen.

“Yeah. Right. Sure. But anyway, I obviously follow my mom up to him so I can make sure she doesn’t say anything weird, because she doesn’t understand, like, basic communication sometimes, and she’s asking Martin all these questions and he looks so overwhelmed, it almost made me laugh, to be honest. He’s so weedy.”

There’s a moment of quiet for a second, like Leah’s finished speaking. But then she takes a deep breath and keeps going.

“So then, Martin sees me, right. and we make solid fucking eye contact, and he ignores my mom and is all like, ‘Leah, did Simon tell you?’ And in my brain, I’m like ‘Oh God, oh fuck, here we go’ but I smile at him, and I’m like ‘No? Tell me what?’ and I’m fucking panicking because I thought you like, hated me or something, and martin looks me dead in the fucking eyes and goes, ‘I’m the one who outed him,’. Simon. What the fuck.”

“Ah,” I reply, and Leah stares at me expectantly. I look at Bram, and he shrugs. 

“Um,” I say. I don’t know how to reply to Leah.

“And apparently you yelled at him in the parking lot?”

“Yes. That did happen because he was leaning against my car and trying to apologise,”

“Right. You should have punched him in the nose,”

“Actually,” Bram chimes in and leans closer to me so Leah can see him. “I just found his gay brother’s facebook, and I’m about to message him and tell him what Martin did,”

Leah’s face lights up completely. I remember when Nick’s ex cheated on him, and she told the girls MOM what had happened. Seriously. She loves revenge done through family members. It’s wickedly evil.

“Bram, why didn’t I know that you were such a savage?” Leah grins down the phone, and Bram’s eyes twinkle. 

“It was actually Simon’s idea,” Bram says. The way he says my name makes it seem like ‘Simon’ is the only name that has ever existed. It’s so freaking adorable. Everything about Bram is adorable. Not that I’m thinking about that AGAIN.

“Ah,” Leah nods thoughtfully. “I’ve taught him well,”

“Yes, thank god for Leah,” I reply sarcastically, and she scrunches her face up.

“Okay. I’m leaving you two now. But just… Yeah. Simon, we are talking about this on the way to school tomorrow.”

“Deal. I love you!”

“I love you too. Bye, bye Bram!”

Then Leah’s face disappears. I cuddle back into Bram and look at the screen of his laptop.

“I like Leah,” Bram states, and I feel something twist in my chest.

“Yeah… Me too. What are we going to send to Carter? Is this from me or you?”

Bram clears his throat. “I’ve already got it written…” How the hell? “Listen to this:  _ Hi, Carter. Your brother, Martin, is in my grade at Creekwood, and I think that something he has done should come to your attention. _ ”

“Impressive,” I say, Bram looks smug, but also shy. Bram’s expressions are always filled with so many different emotions. He’s like an emotional maze. It’s so intriguing.

He looks at my lips. I think. Maybe I’m imagining it. But then Bram quickly turns his head away from me and closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them again, he acts as if that interaction never happened. But I wish he hadn’t.

Bram carefully picks up his laptop and places it back on the bedside table, with the message window open, so that we’ll be able to see when, or if, Carter Addison responds. Knowing my luck, he probably doesn't even use Facebook. Like Nick. He once said that Facebook is the ‘lowest common denominator of social discourse’. Seriously. My friends are so dramatic. But also, so am I, I guess.

Bram’s mom’s food smells really good. So, so good. I’m very hungry. I nestle closer into Bram, and we don’t speak for a while. It’s not awkward, or anything. It’s actually sort of nice. To just enjoy each other’s company. We don’t really need to talk - we know so much about each other already. It’s calming to listen to Bram’s heartbeat, and to fiddle with the bottom of his shirt, and to feel the pressure of his arms around me. I feel protected. Maybe that’s cheesy as hell. Leah would hit me for thinking that.

“You okay?” Bram asks quietly into my ear. It makes me feel some kind of way. I can’t explain it, but I want to act on it. I pull away from Bram slightly so I can see him clearly.

“Bram?’

“Yes, Simon?”

“I really, really, really want to kiss you.” I say it so quietly that I can barely hear myself. I start to doubt if Bram heard me or not, too, because he doesn’t reply for a good five seconds. I feel my heart speed up. I feel like I may have just made a colossal mistake.

“You do?” Bram asks, calmly. I mean, I almost laugh. Bram is so insecure, for literally no reason. I move closer. So close that I can almost feel Bram’s breath on my face.

‘

“Of course I do.”

Bram smiles. A new kind of smile, that I haven’t seen before. I feel like I could melt underneath Bram’s touch.

With one hand, he laces his fingers with mine, and he places the other on my upper arm.

“Good. Because I do too.”

And then Bram’s kissing me. And I do. I completely melt underneath him. His lips are so soft, and every place he touches me feels so gentle, so loving. It feels so special. I honestly feel like I might cry. This is so perfect. More perfect than I ever could have imagined.

When Bram pulls away from me, he grins. I want to keep that image in my brain forever. He’s literally the best ever. Even better than Oreos. I’m literally speechless. Bram can definitely tell, because he just laughs and pulls me into a hug.

“Would it be too early to tell you that I love you? Because I love you a lot,”

Fuck. If Bram’s goal is literally killing me with love, then he’s on the way there, because I’m feeling about a million different emotions and my chest is burning.

“I love you too,” I smile into Bram’s shoulder, and he places a kiss onto the nape of my neck. 

I think that everything is going to be okay.


End file.
